


Lies

by SomethingSomeone



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pain, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23118871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomethingSomeone/pseuds/SomethingSomeone
Summary: For some sick, incomprehensible reason, he was proud of how good he was at telling lies to himself and living his life, guiding his actions according to them. He was proud of how he could seal his feelings off and do what was best for him, always avoiding the unnecessary doses of pain life attempted to throw at him.This mindset, however, was bound to have a huge downside. In a catastrophic series of events, all the pain he had dodged in his 21 years alive came crashing down on him, to perhaps never leave again.
Relationships: Hollow Ichigo/Kurosaki Ichigo
Kudos: 9





	Lies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PaleAutumn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaleAutumn/gifts).



> Don't ask how, when or why I wrote this.

His hobby was lying to himself.

-And he was amazing at it, truly. Though he could make those lies pass undetected as _probable_ truths, a part of him was extremely conscious they were all fake and made up from rather dumb assumptions.

ーOh, that's a good one, haha!

Once again, he was doing it.

ーI'm- Shiro, Rukia's being dead serious. You like Ichigo and he seriously might like you back.

_Bah, how could they know?_

ーIchigo? Liking me? You can't be serious. I'm the last person he would look at if he wanted to be in a relationship.

ーHow are you so sure?

His two friends could only helplessly stare as the albino barked a laugh and hid his emotions like nothing had happened, like the matter didn't really matter, like he hadn't lost entire nights worth of sleep thinking about that bright, stupid orange hair resembling a Sun that illuminated his life, and how nice it would be to comb it with his pale fingers, kiss it and smell it and let it rest on his chest on a tranquil evening together.

Rukia bit her lower lip and frowned, already aware of how useless it would be to try and talk to him again about it. Renji sighed, his patience over, as he stood up and collected his stuff to go to class ten minutes early. He didn't feel like lingering around his white haired friend anymore. Muttering an apology to Rukia and waving them goodbye, he made his way out of the study room, not looking back.

ーDamn yes I'm sure.ー Shiro whispered after the red head was gone.

Violet eyes locked themselves in his yellow ones, half expecting an explanation, half expecting him to run away like he usually did. Seeing how they seemed to beg for him to try and open up, a small sense of guilt ran up his spine, and he hated how it settled on his gut, even if it lasted only a second. For once, he felt tempted to give an explanation, but saying he liked to make himself suffer would only make him look like either a fool or a masochist. To be honest, he was fine with both.

So he stood up, chuckled dryly at her, and left.

* * *

They took the same class. To whoever had blessed him this way, he owed them his life.

The moment Shirosaki had stepped into the classroom and spotted the orange, strong and different and standing out from amongst all the greys he hated so much, a huge, dumb smile had made its way to his tense features. His frown became non existent and his shoulders slumped. Everything now felt better and warmer, maybe not covered in flowers, bubbles and hearts, but it was enough.

He walked over to him to say hi, and maybe ruffle the top of his head playfully before finding a seat, but then his heart melted. Ichigo had locked eyes with him too, and was happily waving at him and pointing at the seat besides him, unknowingly inviting him to the absolute best place in the entire world.

Hurriedly, he ran up the steps and settled down next to his sunshine, and God, when his sweet voice reached his ears he felt as if he would explode any second then.

ーShi!

_God I love that nickname when you say it._

ーI didn't know you could take this class, like, at all! I'm so glad I get to see you more often now. How have you been?

_A thousand times better now that I'm with you._

ーI'm good, I got to rest a lot on break.ー he answered, finally, keeping his cool intact and arching his back to stretch his muscles. ーHow about you?

ーI'm great! Thanks for asking. I did a lot, to be honest, but I still feel refreshed enough to start this semester.

ーOh? How much did you do?

Those wonderful five minutes before class, catching up on each other's lives and hearing Ichigo rant about his stuff, meant the world to Shirosaki. Though a small jealousy rose up when he mentioned how much fun he had with other people, it all went away when Ichigo commented on how he had wished Shiro was there with him.

ーI did a lot, yeah… but you were missing in the picture far too often. I missed you.

 _God_ **_damn it_ ** _I missed you too._

ーAh, sorry, I should really look at my phone every once in a while.ー he lied again. When was he not looking at his phone, longingly staring at Ichigo's chat? Well, saying he didn't look at it was better than saying he was too scared to ask him out, or to go out with him at all.

ーMhm, I texted you a few times inviting you to those, but it's fine, I can't force you to it, right?

The albino was about to retort, wanting, craving for the conversation to last forever, so he could keep hearing that voice he loved and cherished, but all the good things need to come to an end. That end was signaled by the door opening and the professor walking in. Ichigo, the innocent, diligent, good student he's always been, instantly snapped his head to the front and shut himself up, opening his notebook and clicking his pen in anticipation.

To his side, Shirosaki sighed and softened his eyes. Talking would need to wait, then, but he didn't really care now- he had an entire semester, after all. And after that, he had the next semester, and after that, he had next year, and after, and after… 

He had his entire life to keep talking to his ray of light, to build up the strength to tear down the lie and, someday, whether in the close or in the far future, collect enough courage to say the words forever meant for Ichigo, and for Ichigo only.

_I love you._

(...Nope, hell, he needed at least five more years.)

* * *

There was no time. He had run out of it far too abruptly. God, no, no, please no. When had this happened, again?

It was a single phone call. That's all it took for him to go crazy. Almost midnight, him working on an important essay. His phone rang and he ignored it at first, the group project could wait. It was almost the end of the semester and he wasn't planning to blow it up.

Then he glanced at it. He almost died inside when he saw it was Ichigo.

ーH-hi!ー shit, he yelped. Recomposing himself lightning fast, he arranged the device between his shoulder and his ear so he could continue typing while listening, though multitasking wasn't his forte. He didn't care, honestly, this was for Ichigo. ーWhassup? Sorry, I was working.

ーOh, hi, Shi.ー the voice came through the line, kind of wavering, which made Shiro widen his eyes and wait for him to continue with an added anxiety. He was about to ask if he was ok, when he spoke again. ーIt's ok, I know you don't use your phone often… do you think we could meet up? Uh, now?

_Ah, shit._

ーUhm, right now? I'm a little busy with an essay and studying for finals, but if you could… wait until… uh, I think, the weekend, we could meet up on campus? Let me treat you to something.ー well, that came out pathetic.

There was some silence on the other side. Perhaps Ichi was doing something else too, so Shiro waited. Then he heard a deep exhale.

ーIt's fine, we don't need to do it if you can't.ー for some reason, Shiro missed the "again". ーI'll be busy too for a while, so I can't either…

ーIs this… is this serious? Are you ok, Ichigo?

More silence. Another exhale, and he finished.

ーYeah, I'm ok. I just wanted to tell you something, but don't worry about it. It was… dumb, now that I think of it… 

ーNothing you tell me is dumb, yanno?

ーI need to go.

ーHuh? Hey, Ichi?

_Was that a sob?_

He had cut the call.

The white haired man blinked a few times and stared at his screen, as if waiting for it to ring again, or for a notification on an message popping up, but there was nothing. He had some unread mails, a lot of unread texts, but nothing related to Ichigo came through for him to see.

Worry settled in his gut, and Shiro had to go back to work with the lingering feeling stuck in his head, this time not going away. The only reason he managed to continue writing was the savior lie that popped up to cover the uneasiness.

_If he needs help, he'll call someone else. He has Rukia, he has the others first in the list. I'm not his last hope._

Oh, how stupid he was for believing he was far down in the list.

Next morning, Shiro woke up late. He smacked himself and groaned in frustration, but then decided going to class wasn't a priority- his essay was. So he sat down to finish it, first thing in the morning. After midday, he ran to his exam, checking his bullet points one more time before entering the classroom and, to his eyes, demolishing the test. He would need to thank Ishida for that. Then he had to rush to eat something, before sprinting again to his next exam, this time oral. When he got home, now late in the evening, he revised his essay and decided to turn it in, content with the final result.

Finally, he slumped down.

Then he checked his phone, and the world came crashing down on him.

When _the fuck_ had he gotten so many texts and so many missed calls?

ーIchigo?ー he whispered, his disbelieving eyes reflecting his panic. What the hell happened?

Four missed calls from Ichi, two from Rukia, one from Grimmjow, one from Chad. _When the fuck did Chad call him?_ Texts, those were a bigger nightmare. Everyone in his friend group was asking him what the hell was he doing, where was he, what was happening.

His heart dropped when he read Ichigo's single text.

"Goodbye"

_Goodbye?_

_Goodbye to what?_

Hurriedly, so desperate his fingers trembled and he almost dropped the thing, he dialed Ichigo's phone and practically tore his lower lip off with how hard he bit on it.

His number was unavailable.

He growled in frustration, and angrily muttered curses as he dialed the next person in his list. Rukia had to know something.

_Please pick up, please pick up, damn it, for once pick up._

ーHello? Shiro!?

ーRukia!ー he barked, panicked. ーWhat happened? Is Ichigo ok? I was so busy I couldn't answer to anything, and he only sent me a "goodbye". Why a fucking goodbye? What happened to him!? Is he- don't tell me-!

ーCalm down, idiot! It may not be too late yet, maybe you can- Jesus, you are so dumb!

ーWhat the fuck is going on!?

ーHe tried!ー she yelled, evidently angry. ーHe tried so hard to get your attention, Shirosaki, and he tried to tell you, how could you not notice anything!?

ーNotice what!?

ーHe's leaving, you dumbass! Didn't he tell you of his research project, like, a hundred times!? He won't come back for at least five years! You might still be able to catch him in the airport, I don't know, but-!

As a matter of fact, Shirosaki wasn't listening anymore.

His panic, his trembling body, the sudden nausea that overcame him- _disgusting, I'm so fucking disgusting, God_ -, it all shut to zero with a single thought in mind.

His legs had never carried him so fast. He didn't even wait for the elevator, he ran down the stairs and stumbled out into the street, face to face with a taxi passing by. He practically screamed at it to stop, and jumped into the car rather violently. All the while, his phone had been glued to his ear, although he wasn't listening to Rukia's frantic calls.

ーTo the airport!ー he roared, frightening the driver enough to not ask questions.

Every single minute felt too long, like an hour. An eternity in the car, lights flashing, muffled voices, his own harsh breathing. Why didn't he say anything? Why did he let everything slip?

Not caring anymore, he cut Rukia's call and dialed Ichigo again. Not available. He dialed again, not available. Five times he tried, but it was no use. He could only wait in despair until he arrived to the building and talked to him in person.

Five years was too long. He couldn't take that. Least of all, not knowing what Ichigo intended to tell him so urgently. His heart wouldn't be able to take it.

The lie was crumbling.

The sight of the airport sent him into a second, increased overdrive, and he shoved the money on the man as he sprinted out of the car. He was desperate. Boarding, where the hell where the boardings? International flights, something, somewhere, Rukia had mentioned a country at the other side of the world, Chile? That was too far, the exact opposite timezone, no, damn it…!

ー _Ichigo_!

All eyes went to him.

None of them the ones he wanted to see one more time in person.

He stared, his eyes lost in the void. Was he in the wrong place? He stumbled, his balance half lost, and a single strong, foreign hand coming to his aid. A security guard of sorts, asking him questions, but all he managed to utter in response was a single question, his very last hope, the confirmation that he wasn't too late.

ーThe plane- the flight, t-to Chile. Where does it board?

ーSir, the last flight to Chile left an hour ago. Please come with me, you might need water-

The entire world crumbled.

* * *

He had made his life again from zero. In a completely foreign country, Ichigo had managed to start over from the disappointment and sadness that had been his last, soft goodbye.

Shiro watched in silence the photos he uploaded on his social media. He barely talked to any of his friends anymore, only when they casually had the chance and time to do so. When they were waking up, he was heading to bed. When they were heading to bed, he was barely waking up. There was no moment to calmly sit down and text each other; the fact he hadn't once talked to Shiro also didn't make it easier.

He could only helplessly watch as someone far more courageous than him took Ichigo further away. His heart told him he wouldn't come back now, not for five years something or for whatever. Why would he ever want to come back? He had a love, a reason to stay, a home, a life, while Shiro only meant pain back in Japan.

Shiro had always meant pain for Ichigo. So he convinced himself, he never had a chance to be with him. Not when he was there, not when he left to the other side of the world.

So when he stared at Ichigo's chat one last time, tempted, extremely tempted to talk to him with his own soft goodbye, he shed a single tear full of regrets and blocked him. Ichigo didn't even want to see his face, Shiro knew it. He was sure of it.

After all, his hobby was lying to himself.


End file.
